HSE Doesn’t Want To Cause Panic But Does Anyone Know How To Work A Ventilator

HSE management has started a house-by-house recruitment process to find retired nurses, doctors, vets, St. Johns ambulance people, people who learned CPR as part of the Gaisce awards at school, and anyone who has watched 14 or more episodes of Casualty, in a bid to plug the gaps in the health service as Covid-19 continues to run rampant.

“Listen, we’re sorry to bother you at this late hour but we noticed through your window that you were watching Greys Anatomy” said one recruitment officer while on a trawl through Waterford last night.

The drive, which is being kept off the books and strictly hush-hush, is being carried out to prevent the absolute collapse of the health service which the government has stated would be ‘a bad look for them’, and expose decades of neglect and failure to properly resource the health service.

“Do you like that show, have you been watching it long? What do you think, could you call in to the hospital tomorrow, have a go at ventilating a patient so that one of our nurses can have her first hour off in two weeks? It’s fairly straightforward, if you’ve seen it done on TV then it’s basically the same, except with more thrashing around. Oh and if you have your own PPE, bring it with you”.

“Sowing is great craic, but this reaping shit is no fun at all” said Minister For Health Stephen Donnelly, while gathering as much public money as possible to throw at private hospitals in the hope of securing a few more beds and saving one or two people to ‘take the bad look’ off the ever-growing debacle.