“Shame No One Warned Us Opening Everything Over Xmas Was A Bad Idea”


UNDER pressure Minister for Health When There’s Good PR Stephen Donnelly has confirmed it is beyond tragic that no one, not a single person in NPHET, the wider healthcare system, international experts or the dog on the street ever mentioned risk of exponential growth in Covid cases if the government opened up in person dining and shopping during Christmas.

Confronted with evidence to the contrary including very clear advice from NPHET, Donnelly continued to repeat “shame no one warned us this was a bad idea”.

Confirming an unprecedented nationwide mass roll out of excuses, Donnelly’s cabinet colleagues took to media outlets to claim that if a single expert even hinted at how harmful opening would be (they did, repeatedly) they would have taken the relevant steps (they didn’t).

Now angling his head in the hope the light would catch on his bald dome and offer a distraction by blinding reporters, Donnelly began to sweat a little as he faced the prospect of the shit he was shoveling being thrown back in his face.

“Ah well, if it wasn’t for that blasted UK strain,” stated Donnelly, despite the WHO confirming what everyone knows; that while the UK variant of Covid-19 has worsened the situation it was the opening of in person dining and retail, combined with household mixing that caused this.

Elsewhere, after learning that patients in hospitals with Covid-19 have only nearly doubled since the previous peak in April, lobbyists are to spend the day demanding, likely successfully, that everything be reopened immediately.

UPDATE: The government has instructed Tourism Ireland to work out how to turn Ireland’s current status as ‘best little country in the world in which to contract Covid-19’ into a tourist money spinner and eclipsing the figure of the 54,000 people seen flying home over the festive period.