“Oh No, Sanctions” Laughs Nation That Supplies The Bulk Of World’s Fossil Fuels


SANCTIONS that would condemn other countries to a lifetime of economic catastrophe are reportedly being shrugged off by Vladimir Putin, who remains safe in the knowledge that the world’s dependency on fossil fuels will see Russia’s economy thrive for decades to come.

“Oh dear, they’re suspending the Nord Stream 2 gas pipeline, I guess we’d better high-tail it out of Ukraine before we starve to death,” laughed one Kremlin advisor today, wiping the tears of laughter away with banknotes.

“Best of luck explaining to your voters why the price of everything has gone up by even the slightest margin, lads. Face it, if you want the price of fuel to stay level, fuck off and leave us to it in Ukraine. Unless of course you suddenly don’t need the lifeblood of your homes, your transport infrastructure and your industries”.

As the US issued a stern ‘I told you so’ to Europe over their current reliance on Russian gas, environmentalists have urged world leaders to take this opportunity to shake off the shackles of fossil fuel dependency once and for all.

“If we weaned ourselves off the reliance on fossil fuels, tyrants like Putin would never be able to hold the world to ransom like this ever again,” they pleaded, before being shooed out of the room to let the grown-ups talk.

Meanwhile, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has introduced a number of measures to freeze the assets of a number high-ranking Russian business-folk who have assets in England, but has offered reassurances that these will not hinder the same oligarch from making their usual contributions to the Tory party.