Local Woman Wins Covid Certificate For Life After Becoming Ireland’s 1 Millionth Case


FLANKED by clapping HSE staff as she made her way down the hall of her local health centre, Ireland’s one millionth Covid case was beaming with excitement as she was funneled into a special ceremony marking the country’s latest milestone.

Presented with a specially framed platinum Covid certificate, Michelle Woods thanked everyone in attendance, stating she was privileged to receive the ‘lifelong’ certificate, which allows her access into any event, venue or public building, a sort of key to the nation.

“I couldn’t have done this without my son, David, who contracted the new Omicron virus in school last Friday,” Mrs. Woods began, “when I woke up this morning to the HSE text ‘congratulations, you’re our one millionth Covid case’, I nearly dropped to the floor in shock, before realising I should probably take a paracetamol to shake off this awful fever”.

The new Covid poster girl is now expected to be bombarded by brands hoping to piggyback off her newly found fame.

“Pfizer were already onto me about launching their new Covid pills in a glitzy ad campaign,” Woods revealed, “to think just yesterday I was a normal everyday housewife bringing her kids to school, and today I’m Ireland’s one millionth Covid case – I’m gobsmacked”.

UPDATE: Michelle Woods has since been admitted to a local ICU after her symptoms deteriorated, but vowed to bounce back before being induced into a coma by a flustered student nurse.