Norma Foley’s Guide To Keeping Students Warm In Class In Sub Zero Temperatures

FRESH from suggesting teachers should open windows ‘at a lower level’ if their classrooms are cold, Minister for Education Norma Foley has offered more nuggets of wisdom in the fight against Covid in Covid-free Irish schools.

While failing to realise that there’s no ‘if’ to being cold in an Irish classroom, even when temperatures outside are not hovering a few degrees above zero, it is hoped Foley’s advice can help teachers who mistakenly think the responsibility for limiting the spread of Covid-19 in schools rests with the Department of Education brains trust.

Follow Foley’s flawless guide:

Wear warm colours like red to trick the mind into thinking it’s a comforting 20 degrees.

Ask your teacher to draw a picture of an air filter on the whiteboard next to the picture of the sun.

Teachers should stretch out hot water bottles to the point where they can simply live inside them.

Close the window if and only when the water levels in the classroom from torrential rain is above 38 inches.

Have that one teacher in their 50s who has given up caring about teaching long ago and takes a dozen smoke breaks an hour to flick their lighter on to occasionally heat the air.

Students can make a coat out of rosary beads as their is no warmer material than the love of our God.

Students, wear a second pair of trousers over your first pair. No, girls must wear skirts even when it dips to 8 degrees but as you’ll know from your science lessons wearing a skirt makes your legs cold which sends a signal to your body to switch its internal immersion on.

Start a small fire in the middle of the classroom by burning pages from students ‘My Christmas’ essays.

If you’ve closed over the windows slightly and the CO2 monitor that your classroom probably doesn’t have turns red simply throw it outside to improve its air quality reading.

Store and warm students in vats made up of some of the €60mn worth of hand santiser the Dept. of Education bought while ignoring air filters until a few weeks ago.