Americans Urged To Hide Any Breakables For The Next Few Weeks

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AS Walmart stores across America begin to take guns and ammunition off their shelves as a precaution against any potential civil unrest arising from the US presidential election, thousands of Americans continue to brace themselves for what is being described as ‘a potential fan-meeting-feces interaction of biblical proportions’.

Across America, there are reports of:

  • People taking all valuables, breakables and irreplaceable items up to the attic, as well as reports of people withdrawing large amounts of cash, swallowing their jewellery, and hiding heirloom watches up their asses.
  • A rise in the installation of ‘election shelters’, the likes of which have not seen since the height of the ‘nuclear bunker’ craze during the Cold War, or indeed the violent scenes that followed the last episode of Lost.
  • Several families have taken measures to show rioters that there is a large crowd inside the house, using an elaborate system of pulleys, mannequins and cardboard cut-outs going around on toy train tracks, as demonstrated in the movie Home Alone.
  • Equal numbers of ‘Vote Trump’ and ‘Vote Biden’ lawn signs have been sold, with experts suggesting that people will put out one on their lawn in the run-up to election day, and then quickly switch it to whoever ends up winning after all votes are counted, thus saving their house from being targeted by rioters afterwards.
  • All people named Joe or Donald have been urged to either change their name by deed poll.
  • All houses are advised to have a ‘go bag’ at the ready in case they have to leave the house in a hurry, containing only essential items such as food, clothes, batteries, phone chargers, and some way of accessing the Joe Rogan podcast.

Toilet paper is also being stockpiled at levels not seen since the start of the Covid-19, ahead of potentially the biggest shitshow the world has ever seen.

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