Trump Announces Latest Plan To Massively Manipulate Stock Market To Enrich Himself & Inner Circle

WITH THE ANNOUNCEMENT over the weekend when stock markets were closed that he would block the Strait of Hormuz, Donald Trump has signaled once again to his inner circle now would be a great time to once again carry out massive fraud and enrich themselves.

“You know the drill at this point guys, buy the dip when the stock market opens, sell at a profit when I announce my predictable chickening out and reversal of my big loud announcement,” confirmed Trump after he announced the US would block the Strait Hormuz in retaliation to Iran blocking the Strait of Hormuz.

The Trump White House has urged the US media to do their part by acting like this is open corruption is completely normal and that the US hasn’t descended even further into a negligent kleptocracy.

“And if you could become as easily distracted as a toddler when we push out some bullshit thing to take the heat off, that’d be great,” a White House spokesperson said to the media, shortly before posting an AI-generated picture of Trump as Jesus Christ.

Elsewhere, a visibly frustrated Trump threatened to use the full might of the US armed forces to ‘wipe American civilisation off the map’ after he learned of the North American country’s plans to block off the Strait of Hormuz.

Meanwhile, eminent psychologists have confirmed that ‘imposter syndrome’ no longer exists as a concept after people discovered they’d never be as out of their depth as JD Vance leading peace talks with Iran or trying and failing to help Victor Orban get reelected.

Support an independent, ad-free publisher by buying yourself something nice in our shop HERE