LIKE any news publication worth its salt, WWN endeavours to maintain a detached and unbiased view of the facts at all times. This remains the case even after months of dealing with a pandemic that has slowly chipped away at our sanity, robbing all of us of the most humble joys life has to offer.
With our imperious journalistic impartiality remaining intact, WWN, without finger pointing, looks at who’s to blame if we hit Level 5 and return to lockdown:
Anyone notice how this pandemic stuff all started to happen around the time Adele lost all that weight? We’re not saying it’s connected, but if we find out she did her workouts at the Large Hadron Collider or something, we’ll be officially suspicious. Additionally, Ireland having a health service seemingly made out of a wet toilet paper can’t help either.
Young people. You little pricks are increasingly making up the bulk of new cases, and don’t try to tell us the fact you’re all either stuffed into classrooms together all day, or work in the service industries as an excuse for this, we all know it’s because hundreds of you are off having raves in a crowded lift somewhere.
Maybe showing a mickey on RTÉ during an airing of ‘Normal People’ set off some ancient curse which has seen us endure the wrath of God, condemning us all to this hell? Nice one, RTÉ.
We as a nation have repeatedly been shown evidence the country’s health service is about as sturdy as a drunk octopus juggling grenades while on stilts, something successive governments have failed to face up to, so obviously it’s that NPHET crowd that are to blame. Who the fuck do these bunch of medical professionals whose sole responsibility is to make recommendations aimed at keeping everyone safe and healthy think they are?
Sinn Féin [this position in the rankings has been sponsored by the government].
Next up, we deem old people the 5th most responsible for the country creeping into Level 5. We agree with the ‘we have to get back to normality’ crowd; that assisted dying legislation can’t come quick enough, that’s all we’ll say on this matter.
Maybe its our increasingly fragile mental state, worsened by spending 7 months saying ‘yeah, grand, you?’ while we spiral ever further down the existential pit of dread. But maybe the government is right and it’s all our collective fault they’ve spent the last 7 months failing to adequately scale up infrastructure and resources that would help us open the economy back up while not compromising our health service, which again resembles a bowl of unset jelly run over by a tractor.
If it’s alright with you, we’re just going to scream into void for this one. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!