Nation Books Week After September 21st Off


NEWS described by many as the perfect opportunity for Ireland to prove it is no longer a nation of pissheads, employers up and down the country are now reporting being inundated with mass requests for holidays following the 21st of September; the date the government now say ‘wet’ pubs will reopen on.

The welcome reopening was greeted with stampedes to HR offices across Ireland, killing 4 people and leaving another 45 injured so far.

“Please, for the love of God, send an email if you want holiday’s booked,” were the last words of one HR manager in Waterford today, who was crushed to death by over 300 employees storming her office with holiday dates.

However, the plan to reopen pubs, which feel like they’ve been closed for 50 years, is subject to local restrictions that may be implemented in areas with high incidences of Covid-19, like Dublin, which is fine according to the rest of the country.

“Just build a wall where the M50 is a leave them fuckers there,” shared one crazed man we spoke to in Waterford today, who was already queuing for Downes Pub on Thomas street to open.

“Ah that’s sound of the government and just in time for people to drown their sorrows during a recession” confirmed one publican who lost his house when his pub went under 4 months ago.

Sparking suspicions as to why the government have suddenly decided to reopen the bars despite a surge in cases, the nation insisted it didn’t care about whatever crap Fianna Fáil, Fine Gael and the Greens are up to, just as long as those creamy cold pints keep coming, everything will be fine.