Guinness Flatulence Wards Off Covid-19, Finds New Vintners Study
A HIGHLY scientific new study carried out by the Vintners Association of Ireland has found that flatulence caused by drinking at least three pints of Guinness can ward off the Coronavirus, WWN can confirm.
Sponsored by Diageo, the study was carried out in a ‘test bar’ in Dublin’s city centre with over 100 subjects who sat drinking the black stuff for several hours without any substantial meal to protect them, before a known Covid-19 patient was brought in to test the spread of the virus.
“Everyone let it rip just as the patient entered the bar,” a report read, “the patient immediately coughed and dry heaved upon entering due to the thick, almost putrid air in the bar and ordered a pint and sat for several hours in the company of the Guinness drinkers before being rushed to hospital complaining of feeling dizzy”.
Following a ten day quarantine period, the hundred subjects were then tested for Covid-19 and all proved negative, however, the initial host patient had later died of what doctors claim was ‘flatulence inhalation’ due to being surrounded by Guinness farts for a long period.
“Obviously the death of the patient is an awful tragedy, probably unnecessary, dare I say worth it, but our study shows without any reasonable doubt that spent Guinness which passes through the sphincter is impervious to the Coronavirus,” the study concluded its findings before suggesting to open the pubs immediately in the hopes of ‘saving hundreds of thousands of ̶e̶u̶r̶o̶s̶ lives.
Such was the success of the study, Guinness drinkers have been asked to opt in for trials for a new ‘Guinness Fart Vaccine’, which will require successful applicants to drink 3-4 litres of the stout and later expel their exhaust fumes into a vial.