Leaked: Varadkar’s Final Speech As Taoiseach

WITH the new three-party coalition paving the way for Micheál Martin to become Ireland’s next Taoiseach, current Taoiseach Leo Varadkar’s days of Taoiseaching are coming to a close.

Much of Varadkar’s final months as Taoiseach have been defined by his addresses to the nation during the Covid-19 pandemic outbreak, famed for the occasional vague hint of a pop culture reference thrown in, his speeches were so powerful they were rumoured to cause amnesia in some people leaving them unable to remember all Fine Gael did and didn’t do while in power. You’d almost forget that time a homeless man was scooped up from his tent and seriously by a JCB.

WWN has obtained the exclusive first look at the Taoiseach’s final speech which he has been pouring with his speechwriter night after night, perfecting the one pop culture referencing speech to rule them all:

[I wear shades and hold the microphone]

“It’s been an honour to serve as Taoiseach of this country through a very challenging time, and I would like to leave you all with these words:”

[The music starts once I give the signal and the secret code of ‘start the music now’ and then shout ‘REMIX TIME’. Rip open shirt to reveal gold chain with dangling ‘The Shock’ pendant.]

“In west Dublin born and raised

Topless In Phoenix Park is how I spend most of my days

Chillin’ out, maxin’ relaxin’ all cool

Refusing to fight Mary Lou outside of school

When a couple of bats who were up to no good

Starting spreading infection in my neighbourhood

We got in one little pandemic and the Nation was scared

We said we’ll shut down the country so lives are spared”

[Wave at Coveney on the decks to switch track to ‘Love At First Sight’, if Kylie’s gotten back to my email by this point there’s a good chance this next bit will be a duet]

Then everything went from right to centre right

And the Greens came up with some tree hugging shite

The policies they were pushin’ really blew mind

But Fianna Fáil were onside

‘Cause Micheál, when I heard you

Ask to power share I knew

We were meant to be as one-a-un-a-un-a-un-a-un-a-un

[Confetti canons go off, montagefilm of me doing Terminator and Lord of the Rings references plays, everyone loves me]