SINCE the covid-19 lockdown over five weeks ago, many people have discovered a whole new world of exercise with a large majority of people opting to simply put one leg in front of another, a routine commonly known as walking.
Technically a simple routine for most, walking during social distancing has thrown a spanner in the works for many, leaving this fine publication with no other choice than to produce this definitive go-to guide for walking in these difficult times.
To protect yourself and others:
Always maintain a 2 meter distance from people out walking, unless of course it’s a close friend that you haven’t seen in ages and they’ve a really great story about how their asshole neighbours keep breaking social distancing guidelines. The act of complaining about other people breaking social distancing rules while breaking them yourself actually cancels one another out – this has been proven by science.
When in pairs, make sure that one of you walks on the road while the other walks on the footpath to ensure maximum confusion in approaching walkers. Stare at their disgruntled faces while you both happily chat to each other, passing them on either side, making sure to spray your chat exhaust fumes directly into their stupid face path.
If you’re walking on the road always stand your ground when a vehicle is approaching and always remain on the road in defiance. If they hit you with their one tonne car travelling at 50km per hour, they’re the ones in trouble, not you. Well, legally, anyway.
Is someone walking in the same direction as you but walking a bit slower? Why not passive aggressively brush past them making sure to let them know how inconvenienced you were for a whole 30 seconds there. They shouldn’t even be on the footpath if they can’t keep up with your pace. Feel free to leave off a little cough when you pass them, just for good measure.
Bringing a dog with you is a great way of making sure people keep their social distance. Invest in a good long retractable lead, but never, ever, retract it. Why not walk two dogs on either side of you for the craic.
If somehow you are forced out onto the road by some ingrate, make sure to stare them out of it when they pass. Make them feel as comfortable as possible, like you are about to beat them to a steaming pulp of puss. Hopefully they’ll pass on this aggression to someone else along their journey.
Chatting to other people is only allowed if you take up the entire footpath, shop entrance or alleyway. And for the love of God don’t make eye contact with other people approaching as you’ll have to move out of their way. Just keep talking like they’re the shit between your toes.
And finally, under new Covid-19 laws walkers are now allowed to clothesline joggers who pass too close to please feel free to do that every single time you can. The main thing is to just enjoy your walk without having to put too much thought or energy into the act itself, or those other pricks out walking too.
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