Unsuccessful Election Candidates Quietly Euthanised


“JUST don’t look them in the eyes” said the candidate wrangler we spoke to during the ongoing 2019 Post-Election Cull, pressing the trigger on his bolt pistol and sending a rod into the forehead of one Ireland-South MEP independent candidate. “They’ll try to make friends with you. Just aim a bolt to the head and move on to the next one”.

Our expert guide during this year’s euthanising of unsuccessful local And European election candidates surveyed the pile of party-affiliated and independent also-rans growing at his feet, before going over to his supervisor to walk us through the intricacies of keeping the useless politician count in Ireland to an absolute minimum.

“So since the last count wrapped up and all seats are filled, we got the call to start doing away with the ones who didn’t get anywhere near the top of the polls” said the supervisor, showing us a list of names printed on an entire roll of wallpaper.

“It’s only humane to take them out of the population; otherwise, you might have them coming back in the next round of elections, even the General Election if you’re not careful. It’s just their nature. They don’t receive enough votes for a seat this year, but there’s not one of them that can take a hint. It’s just better this way”.

Clearly too busy for our guff, we leave the team to their ongoing task which will take them to every corner of the country. But we have one last question; is there anyone the team would love a chance to hunt?

“Ah you’d love to get a Healy-Rae” we’re told.

“But you’ll be waiting a long, long time before one of them loses a count”.