New Home Buyers Now Need To Hand Over 20% Deposit, 2 Kidneys, 1st Born


PROSPECTIVE first time home-buyers are facing an even greater battle to get a mortgage than ever before, with a new report stating that many financial institutions are demanding not only a 20% deposit upfront, but also several viable organs and a pledge to sacrifice a 1st born son to the Lord of Darkness.

The strict regulation, brought in by the very people who torpedoed the housing market in a bid to stop themselves from torpedoing the housing market again, has left many people trapped in rental accommodation with very little chance of ever owning their own home.

A document leaked to WWN has outlined just exactly what is needed to secure mortgage approval in Ireland today, including-

  • 20% deposit, in unmarked none-consecutive bills
  • 2 viable kidneys/ 1 viable lung
  • the soul of an infant
  • a video of yourself standing on one foot for an entire day
  • a blowjob
  • an invitation to your birthday party every year until you die
  • an agreement that estate agents are allowed crash on your sofa whenever they like
  • your kids’ toys
  • an agreement to regularly smuggle cocaine out of a South American country
  • a cake

Should potential buyers agree to the above terms, they will be allowed access to enough money to buy one of the four houses currently on sale in Ireland at the minute.