District Court Round Up


Son-Of-Two Caught With Enough Hand-rolled Cigarettes To Supply The Whole Fucking Town Boy

A man with over 700 previous convictions for cannabis possession was fined €30 for being caught in possession of enough hand rolled cigarettes to supply the entire fucking town boy! James ‘Clinkers’ Kelly, with an address in Ballybeg (wouldn’t ya know), was caught with several black sacks full of cannabis herb on Thomas street by Detective Jerry Butler, with a street value of €12mn. When asked if Mr. Kelly cooperated with gardaí, Mr. Butler replied: ‘Yes, after a few digs in the ribs’. No jail time was given. Following sentencing, Judge William Hackett had to call a recess after several people started shouting  ‘Kelly is a rat’ in the chambers.

Your Dad Caught With No Tax And Insurance 

Your Dad’s name, address and job position was mentioned in full detail today in court as he illegally couldn’t afford to tax or insure his car because of your little brother’s radiotherapy fees. Luckily, court photographer John Phelan was on hand to capture his stupid facial expression after being handed down a 6-month jail sentence for failure to pay. All your neighbours and friends are probably reading this as we speak, lapping this shit up. You embarrassment of a fucking family.

Business Student Caught With 12,234 Shopping Trolley’s And 3,879 Traffic Cones

Defendant Martin Cunnigham pleaded guilty to 16,ooo separate incidents of burglary over a two-year period at Waterford District Court Tuesday after being caught in possession of 12,234 Shopping Trolley’s And 3,879 Traffic Cones at his rented student accommodation in Lismore Lawns by gardaí last week. Solicitor Eamon Burns told the court that Cunnigham had “no recollection” of stealing the items from the locality, but admitted to the crime after been shown CCTV footage of himself, drunk, at Waterford Garda station. “I wondered where it all came from,” the 21-year-old told the court. “I thought it was one of the other lads in the house.” Cunnigham was given a suspended 6-month jail sentence and urged not to drink spirits again on nights out.

‘Free Man Of The State’Doesn’t Recognise Court

Patrick Hogan of 3 Shannavine Way, Clonmel was arrested on Thursday the 4th of June in Waterford city for failing to stop at a red light. Standing for himself in court, Mr. Hogan claimed he didn’t recognise the court as a system, as it was ‘laden with corruption and greed’. When asked why he failed to stop at the traffic lights, he replied: ‘I don’t recognise the colour red’, and that he was a ‘free man of the state’, and that the court was an illegal run entity that was overseen by the German Government, who he claims actually won World War 2, but kept it quiet to take over Europe financially instead. Hogan proceeded to call people in the court ‘sheep’, and began making ‘baa’ sounds, before attempting to leave the building. Gardaí arrested the defendant for attempting to leave, beating him to the ground with batons. Judge William Hackett asked the defendant if he recognised pain? The defendant replied yes, and was given a 12-month suspended sentence and a fine of €40,000.