Call Of Duty Player ‘Shits Himself’ After Being Called For Duty

FOR 18-year-old gamer Sean M., Saturday last started like any other day –silently hunched over the gaming console in the privacy of his cramped, stuffy bedroom. But that silence was shattered by a ping of an email from the Pentagon, calling Sean up for immediate action with the US Army’s legendary 82nd Airborne Division.

“At first I thought it was like, a joke’ a clearly shaken Sean told WWN, ‘then I saw the Pentagon logo, the details of my enlistment and the bit about the Terms and Conditions on my copy of Call of Duty’. I hadn’t read them before I clicked ‘OK’ – nobody does”.

WWN can now reveal that those same terms and conditions could lead to a tough five-year stint for thousands of pasty-faced Irish teenagers in some of the world’s elite fighting units. Because hidden in the small print, is a clause that signs gamers up to real-life military enlistment when their score reaches a higher-than-average figure.

“These men are proven warfare specialists” said a US Military spokesman. “Quick, alert, producing accurate fire under pressure and skilled in special operations like kicking doors in and zooming from level to level without getting seasick.”

Asked how he reacted to the news, Airborne Pte. 1st Class Sean admitted ‘I shit myself and passed out. When I came to I was on a live link to the 82nd HQ in North Virginia getting briefed. Some guy with no neck and a buzz-cut head on him. He was totally wound-up like so I couldn’t say no.’

For Sean and thousands like him, there’s no way out and more and more acne riddled teenagers will find themselves unwittingly signed-up for front line duty in Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan, with the French Foreign Legion, the Paras and US Special Forces.