Rosy Economic Picture Coalition Paint For Public Resembles Willy Wonka Experience In Glasgow

EVERY TIME the Irish government trumpets historic record levels of employment they unwittingly come across to the public like the extravagant and hugely successful Willy Wonka Experience in Glasgow, WWN can reveal.

“Come this way to a world of pure economic imagination,” Minister for Finance Michael McGrath said, the latest government TD to paint a rosy picture of Ireland’s rude economic health, completely unaware that they are actually showcasing a hollowed-out business unit decorated in AI generated posters and clinically depressed inflatables.

With 68% of people in their late 20s still living with parents, 41% of parents cut back on food intake so their children have enough to eat, and Ireland in recent years ranking as the most expensive place to shop and second-biggest polluter in the EU, all the public sees is the defeated face of an Oompa Loompa manning a meth lab.

“I can’t afford anything, and I spend every waking minute with financial anxiety and a fear I’m a P45 away from sleeping rough, but sure, yeah sure let’s pretend I’m not staring at the economic equivalent of some arts student dressed as Tesco Value Willy Wonka in the middle of a breakdown,” confirmed one member of the public.

Consistently taking to media microphones to excitedly proclaim the Irish economy success story, coalition ministers were steadfast in their assertions that the public really was having the time of its life.

“No, I’m sorry you can’t be struggling, just look around at all these lovely positive economic indicators,” Minister for Finance Michael McGrath said while pointing to a slowly deflating bouncy castle covered in chewing gum and piss.

“I feel as shortchanged as a Glasgow parent after paying £35 for that shite every time I have to use any Irish public service,” said one member of the public just as The Unknown appeared out of nowhere to kick them in the genitals before adding another €500 onto their rent.