Aries March 21 – April 19
You may find your login details are weak, try including uppercase characters and at least one number to feel an instant boost in password strength.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
An overwhelming desire to do something different today may lead to you getting sundried tomatoes on your chicken fillet roll. Sure you can pick them off if you don’t like them.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
You’re doing just fine, you fucking race car. Keep it up!
Cancer June 21 – July 22
This week will very much be like a new pair of shoes; really painful to begin with, but bear with it and it’ll be much better around Friday.
Leo July 23 – August 22
The dreadful secret from your past that has haunted you every night and day for years may come to light this week. Have a bag packed just in case!
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Take time out of your busy schedule of stalking your ex on Facebook to go outside and stalk them in real life.
Libra September 23 – October 22
The position of the moon in relation to Jupiter today will give you Carte Blanche when it comes to being a crazy bitch for the rest of the week.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
There’s no easy way to tell you this, but look out the window. You’ve been clamped.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Try and enjoy the slice of birthday cake that was bought by your co-workers for the lady in accounts, even though you didn’t get a cake for your own birthday last year. Maybe you will this year, just keep your hopes up and enjoy the cake you have now.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Persistence will pay off this week, as you finally get the combination of leg elevation/cushion placement on the sofa to the peak of it’s comfort levels.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You will meet a tall, dark stranger, although your dyed-in-the-wool racism will cause you to clutch your handbag a little tighter as you walk past him.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
This could be the day that your co-workers realise you’ve been stealing pocket fulls of sugar from the canteen. Be cautious!