Country Urged To Lube Up And Bend Over Ahead Of Next Weeks Budget
THE GOVERNMENT urged Irish citizens today to ‘lube up and bend over’ ahead of next weeks budget, in what is expected to be toughest of its kind so far since the start of the recession.
Sex shops and pharmacies have reported massive sales in synthetic lubricants and anal creams across the Republic.
Finance Minister Michael Noonan warned earlier today that the government is ‘coming in from the rear’ next week, and expects it to be ‘rough and painful’ for everyone involved.
“It’s best everyone just bends over and takes it,” said Mr. Noonan. “Be warned: we ARE going to fuck you, no matter what age or sex you are.”
The government said it will violate everyone equally this year, and advised victims of the buggery to hold hands and think of a happier times while they do their business.
“I hear biting a pillow helps.” said the finance minister. “Try to remember the bank calling you in 2004 to approve your mortgage or something.”
Sources believe the coalition is still very angry over it’s failure in the latest referendum to abolish the Seanad, and that both the Fine Gael and Labour leaders will use budget 2014 to ‘get their own back’ on the people.
“People will need to take serious muscle relaxants for this years entry.” said one back bencher, who wishes to remain anonymous.
“They are going to come in hard and fast so prepare your anus.” he concluded.