The Secret Minister


Houses of the Oireachtas Commission suppliment

In my new weekly column here at the wonderful WWN I hope to give you the voting public a unique insight into the life of a government minister. My anonymity is of course key to this process of disclosure and I promise to pull no punches.

It was a tense first cabinet meeting back after that ‘No vote’ on the Seanad. Everyone chose their words carefully which is rare for a TD to do or so the public tell me. Walking on egg shells doesn’t cover it. It all kicked off when one of the Reform Alliance crowd carried out a nick-knack on the door and left behind a drawing of David Norris riding An Taoiseach like a pony. I would expect nothing less from that crowd, crude and disgusting stuff but I must admit the likeness was uncanny. The culprit certainly had an artistic eye.

Enda, pardon me, An Taoiseach was in a foul mood so much so he refused to let us have the usual tea and biscuits… I was dying for a rich tea as he talked about how rubbish Bruton was in the debates, in fact he made Bruton stand up in front of everyone and gave him a good dressing down. To paraphrase – he said we were all to address Bruton as ‘Brutal Bruton’ from now on and An Taoiseach was disgusted that Bruton, sorry Brutal Bruton was out-smarted by Mary Hasn’t Got A Clue on he-who-shall-not-be-named’s show.

“When you are the least intelligent person on a TV-Gee panel program,” An Taoiseach said, “you should really consider your position”. I tried to ease the tension by asking An Taoiseach what shampoo and conditioner he used but I don’t think he heard me. I reckon he’s a Head and Shoulders man.

After four minutes the cabinet meeting was adjourned leaving me free to do what I do best; talk at the public. Not ‘with’ or ‘to’ the public but at, I should make that clear, the media have done so on many an occasion. I made my way into the Digitised Tub as a tech start up had announced 4 new jobs and yours truly was entrusted by An Taoiseach with the task of posing with a large cut out smart phone and Georgia Salpa. Posing with large two-dimensional cut-outs of anything is a tricky business, don’t let anyone tell you different but Georgia was a real pro.

I navigated the potential minefield with ease even if I do say so myself but in case you doubt me I made my assistant agree with me. The only draw back is that the jobs announcement only made page 24 of the Evening Herald. My assistant promised to set up some fake twitter accounts later and circulate the picture.

Attention this week will turn to the budget of course, An Taoiseach has us leaking details left, right and centre I might have to work past 6 p.m. but I complain not for a life in politics is all about noble sacrifice.

Until next week a chairde,

The Secret Minister