Eoghan Murphy Demands More Souls

WWN can exclusively reveal that Minister for Housing Eoghan Murphy is desperate to cling onto his position not because he has a clear plan on tackling the housing crisis that he is passionate about and badly needs to see through to fruition, but because the suffering endured by those in need of social and affordable housing in this country causes their souls to be ‘extra tender, extra tasty’.

Well-known in the soul devouring community, Murphy landed on easy street when he picked up the housing brief after the last cabinet reshuffle as the problem of extortionate rents forcing low-income families into a life of misery is one that no property-owned TDs are in a rush to solve, and the majority of comfortably housed Irish citizens need not worry about.

Having this week avoided a vote of no confidence from those who would steal his precious souls from him, Murphy has emerged from his mist-drenched woodland lair to plead with his fellow TDs to allow him to continue his quest to become the most all-powerful soul-monger in the world.

“The weak, the sick, the dying, their souls belong to ME” hissed Murphy, eyes red like a blood moon.

“Sinn Féin haven’t got a plan for the souls, they just want to take them from me. This is unfair! In my time, I’ve only harvested the souls of those who have died homeless, but I’ve ensured that thousand more are on waiting lists, in emergency accommodation… these people may not die for months to come! Those souls belong to me, I deserve them! My inaction and incompetence has nurtured them! I beseech thee, let me finish my term as Housing Minister, let me finish the training I need to become Tanaiste, and one day, Taoiseach”.

Meanwhile, Minister For Health Simon Harris has taunted Murphy with the abundance of souls he obtains through his mishandling of the HSE.