HAVING endured nearly a century of ‘will-they, won’t-they’, the Irish public have come forward and pleaded with Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil to end this “Mulder & Scully, Sam & Diane, Ross & Rachel” shite and just get together, for once and for all.
The urgent plea comes amid murmurings of another General Election, possibly before Christmas, with the shaky supply and confidence between the two parties set to break up again due to the ongoing scandal relating to Tánaiste Frances Fitzgerald’s involvement in the Garda whistleblower scandal.
Although Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael seem a match made in heaven due to their centre-right policies, hatred of Sinn Féin and poor people and love of themselves, however, the two parties have never really gotten over their initial pro/anti-treaty split in the aftermath of the Civil War, at which time they decided they were ‘on a break’.
The parties have come close to forming a relationship over the near-100 years since then, but have always found some way to sabotage their union, with this most recent spat being just another reason for the Irish public to shake their heads and wonder when these kids are just going to realise they’re made for each other and settle down.
“It’s like watching Moonlighting,” sighed the public, dismayed that they will have to endure an election the week before Christmas.
“They’re forever sniping and picking at each other, but at the back of it all you just know that they’re perfect for each other, if only they’d put aside their differences and just settle down. They have so much in common; they don’t mind selling the country to the highest bidder, they’ll both do nothing about the housing crisis or the amount of people dying on the streets, they both don’t give a fuck about the health system… instead of doing nothing about these problems separately, why don’t they just get together and do nothing about them together? Come on guys, we’re all rooting for you”.
Meanwhile Sinn Féin continues to have no chance of a relationship with either of the main parties, making them yet again the ‘Gunther’ of the group.