OPERATION RECOVERY will see the army commandeer all the nation’s takeaways in what is believed to be the most ambitious hangover alleviation effort ever undertaken by a nation. Thousands of people diagnosed with a severe case of absolutely dying are trapped on their couches or bed bound with an inability to properly dial a takeaway… Read more »
A RECORD low number of unclaimed teenagers remain on the nation’s streets after this year’s St Patrick’s Day festivities, sparking fears that the current crop of young people have completely abandoned Irish traditions and care little for our treasured cultural practices. “I was shocked to be honest,” confirmed one garda who was working the ‘is… Read more »
WATERFORD man Marcus O’Weir had expressed doubt about the validity of the government’s ‘bonus bank holiday’ the day after St. Patrick’s Day, but now that it’s here along with possibly one of the worst hangovers he’s ever experienced in his adult life, he’s a changed man. “Consider me a Fianna Fáil/ Fine Gael man for… Read more »
FRIENDS of Donnacha Caoimlinn have advised him to perhaps pump the brakes on his St. Patrick’s Day festivities, as he’s currently on track to drink 57 pints today if he keeps his current pace up. “Five pints in an hour is fairly unsustainable Donny, maybe just go a bit handy,” said one of Caoimlinn’s mates,… Read more »
GATHERING pent up and unspent energy over three long years with nowhere to put it local uilleann pipes player Cormac O’Carroll will finally unleash it all in an electric performance as he absolutely fucking nails Danny Boy later today in the St Patrick’s Day parade. “I’m like a coiled spring, and once I pipe I… Read more »
IT’S BEEN a while and even the most hardened veteran of Paddy’s Days past is entitled to a bout of humility and admit they need a refresher course in how to survive the carnage. Here’s a reminder of all the handy tips you’ll need to help you survive the festivities: Remember to eat 5 portions… Read more »
AN IDLE council worker facing a vomit-less, pissing-in-public-less, broken glass-less morning at work this 18th of March admitted to pining for the good old days of the post-apocalyptic scenes of destruction that followed Paddy’s Day. “Ah there was always a bit of a surprise, a drunken student fallen asleep on top of a lamppost, watching… Read more »
DNA tests into what is believed to be the remains of St. Patrick have spilled forth a sorry tale of a man who became so enamoured with his own celebrity that he ‘didn’t know when to quit partying’, WWN can reveal. As Ireland begins the annual celebration of its patron saint, new information on the… Read more »
GET to know Ireland’s patron saint better with these lesser known facts about St. Patrick: Credited with using the shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity, St. Patrick was actually trying to explain the concept of the 3-in-1 Chinese to the Irish. St Patrick was Ireland’s first official entry to the Eurovision appearing in a duet… Read more »
IT’S something we all miss but you don’t have to if you unlock the endless potential of combining your patriotism and imagination. Here’s how to recreate that warm, fuzzy and familiar feeling of the chaotic carnage a crowded St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland is known for, all in the comfort of your own home: Get… Read more »