Your Paddy’s Day Survival Guide


AHEAD OF THE big day on Sunday here’s a reminder of all the handy tips you’ll need to help you survive the festivities:

Remember to eat 5 portions of shamrocks throughout the day, this will give you the nutrients you need to stave off alcohol poisoning and also give you Popeye-style strength to battle your way through town.

Don’t forget your organ donor card and ID that can make you more easily identifiable to the people that stumble upon your body moments after you had the bright idea to ask that group of teenagers to make some room on the path.

Amateurs may advise you to take it easy on the booze and space out your intake of pints. Wrong! If you horse them into you then you pass out much earlier in the day which gives you less time to do further damage to yourself, it’s basic alcohol maths!

Funeral arrangements can also be a burden on loved ones. If you intend to be dying on the 18th, do them a favour and just lie down in a grave when you get home from the session.

Not all green Paddy’s Day face paint is suitable for painting your genitals green which is something we presume every patriotic person does, so read the instructions and warning carefully.

It is important to remember that in the event of a fire in your home, the fire brigade will not be available as they’ll be taking part in the local parade. Plan ahead if you intend to catch on fire!

Bus drivers work hard on public holidays, so be sure to thank them as you disembark. If they don’t say thank you back, fuck them. Start a fight.

Take aways and fast food joints after 1pm adopt ‘prison rules’ so don’t expect any mercy when in a queue and treat everyone like a shiv-wielding psychopath in the prison showers and you’ll be grand.

Clap politely and excessively at all parade floats involving children 12 and younger. Everyone else can be ridiculed and torn to shreds.

Rather than drag your kids into town, use the day to teach them the story of St. Patrick. You can even use this as an opportunity to teach them all about human trafficking, and why it’s not always a bad thing.