How To Recreate The Carnage Of Paddy’s Day At Home

IT’S something we all miss but you don’t have to if you unlock the endless potential of combining your patriotism and imagination.

Here’s how to recreate that warm, fuzzy and familiar feeling of the chaotic carnage a crowded St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland is known for, all in the comfort of your own home:

Get in the right headspace

How would you treat your home if it was the crowded streets of an Irish city during a Paddy’s Day parade? Your couch is now a quiet laneway and a perfect place to take a slash.

Your kitchen? Turn it the fuck upside down.

Every surface in the house should be spray painted a putrid shade of green that makes you nauseous.

Treat everyone in your home with a hostile and fearful energy

Like the real parade, who knows if those in the crowds are polite tourists enjoying the parade or some aggressive drunken fools who want to use your face as a punchbag. Yesterday they were your housemates, partner or children, but today they are the danger.

If they try to make conversation just keep the head down, ignore them, wait for them to lose interest and move on. The fear is palpable; last thing you want is to be glassed in the face for looking at someone the wrong way.

It should be taken as a given that you’ve been drinking from the get go

Vodka in the cornflakes. The cornflakes were actually more vodka. Do this all on an empty stomach, this isn’t amateur hour, you either want to recreate Paddy’s Day or you’re a liar, which is it?

Jump up and down on some bagpipes

Recreate that unmistakable and haunting sound of horrific pipe bands jetting from the US for the parade. It’s like it’s really happening.

Now you’re happy drunk, time to be a nuisance

Now it’s your turn to be a menace, vague guidelines should suffice: just act the massive prick to everyone. Turn over a bin, get in a fight with a lamppost, find a Yank tourist to berate for 30 minutes after they declare their sincere love for Ireland.

Random encounters

Hard to replicate from home so maybe just talk to yourself in mirror, pose as an old man who is weirdly upholding and explaining some Paddy’s Day tradition you’ve never heard of such as filling his underwear with mashed potatoes or driving nails into the souls of his shoes while letting a snake bite his mickey.

Transition toward bitter rants about the state of the country

Depending on how you’ve been putting away the alcohol this can occur as late in the day as 11am, but make sure to give out yards about absolutely every aspect of the country you were fiercely proud of not 5 minutes ago. Now find a spare piece of floor to black out in. Well done, you’ve created a little bit of Paddy’s Day magic for yourself.

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