“There’s Only One Same-Sex Union We’ll Let Slide” State Catholic Church


THE Vatican has once again shot down the notion that it would be giving same-sex marriages the OK, adding that the Pope ‘isn’t as gay as you might have thought he was’.

“Pope Francis did a lot of talking about how we’re all God’s children and so on and so forth, but did you guys really think the Church was going to throw open its doors for gay and lesbian people to get married for real? Come on now” laughed one Papal source we spoke to.

“They can have their little registry office non-denominational civil ceremony things all they want. We all know those aren’t ‘real weddings’ anyway, they’re custom built for LGBT people and the such like. But to think we’re going to bless unions like that? Dude, we don’t even let our people marry a Catholic and a Protestant in a church, wise up”.

The LGBT community and its supporters have pressed the Vatican for further comment on its ‘God cannot bless sin’ stance, pointing at instances in the past where He seemed a-OK with certain same-sex unions that took place under His watch.

“Yes, there have been a lot of instances where members of the church carried out crimes against young people, but it’s not like they were trying to marry them” said our man in Rome.

“So that’s the kind of thing we can work with, you know? Few Our Father’s and everyone’s absolved. But what you’re asking us to absolve when it comes to gay marriage is sin all day every day, just sin left, right and center. Nope. Not happening”.

The Vatican went on to state that while all LGBT people were welcome as part of the one true church of Christianity, there were other religions available to them.

“Explore your options,” the Pope advised.

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