We Appreciate This Is The First Paddy’s Day In Years But For Fuck Sake Donnacha, Act Like You’ve Been Out Of The House Before


FRIENDS of Donnacha Caoimlinn have advised him to perhaps pump the brakes on his St. Patrick’s Day festivities, as he’s currently on track to drink 57 pints today if he keeps his current pace up.

“Five pints in an hour is fairly unsustainable Donny, maybe just go a bit handy,” said one of Caoimlinn’s mates, as the Dublin lad continues to horse drink into himself like our parched Lord emerging from the desert.

“I know this is the first St. Patrick’s Day in three years, but don’t feel like you have to make up the shortfall in the vintner’s bank account in one go,” advised another, who has been in Donnacha’s company before when he gets like this and knows all too well where this is headed.

Meanwhile, in a surprise turn of events, Caoimlinn has assured his friends that he’s ‘grand’, and will continue to be grand, and as such they should stop worrying and get the pints in – this despite the fact that every man at the table has at least two full pints in front of them.

Caoimlinn has also been advised that the vast majority of the Cheltenham bets he’s placing on his phone are absolute duds, that eating Supermacs on four occasions over one day isn’t the patriotic gesture he thinks it is, and that no, that lad across the way isn’t looking at him funny, sit down Donnacha, sit down Donnacha ah for fuck sake lads he’s away, gimme a hand here.