Tag: health

Divorce Rates Skyrocket As Couples Forced Into Self-Isolation

A SPOKESPERSON for co-habiting couples around the world has said that precautionary self-isolation action needed to stave off the spread of Covid-19 could result in a cataclysmic rise in divorce rates if couples are forced to spend two solid weeks of uninterrupted exposure to their partners in a confined setting. “Please, oh God, there’s got… Read more »

Ireland Officially Changes Covid-19 Status From “Be Grand” To “Alright, Fair Enough”

WITH TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar confirming the need to temporarily close schools, creches and colleges along with guidelines on limiting public gatherings and events to limit Covid-19 spread, the Irish people have come together as one and officially agreed to raise Ireland’s emergency preparedness levels above “sure it’ll be grand” for the first time in its… Read more »

Local Introverts Celebrate Cancelled Events

QUIETLY whisper-shouting a celebratory ‘yes’ to themselves under their breath, the world’s introverts, along with those who suffer from varying degrees of social anxiety, are delighting in the havoc being wreaked by Covid-19 on social gatherings both big and small. “Oh God, this is better than sex,” confirmed one introvert as she poured over the… Read more »

Self-Love During Self-Isolation: A Guide

AS the rest of the world continues to fret and fuss over the (admittedly frightening) advance of the Coronavirus, WWN are here to let you know that the government-approved act of self-isolation in the event of contact with the virus may be the best thing that ever happened to you. The recommended two-week isolation period… Read more »

Local Man Appoints Himself World’s Foremost Expert On Coronavirus

RAISING a hand drawn certificate with the words ‘Coronvilus Espert!’ on it above his shoulders in dignified celebration, one staggeringly unqualified man has confirmed, via every comment section below articles on Coronavirus, that he is the preeminent expert on the virus. “It’s all bullshit,” Darren Frehily (44) wrote in a peer reviewed research paper which… Read more »