Tag: health

“Fuck The Nurses,” Clarifies Government

REMOVING any ambiguity from recent comments made in public, to the Dáil, in the media and said privately when they think no one is listening, the Government have helpfully clarified for the public ‘fuck the nurses’, WWN can reveal. As separate strike actions from midwives and psychiatric nurses remain ongoing, the government has tried to… Read more »

Local Girl ‘Very Done Up’ For Gym

SEVERAL of the male patrons at a Waterford fitness centre have remarked on the overly made-up appearance of one of the gym’s female customers, adding that she dresses in a provocative manner designed solely to distract lads who just want to lift weights and make gains and take selfies. Putting aside the possibility that the as-yet-unnamed… Read more »

€450k Inquiry Into Children’s Hospital Overspend Already €2mn Over Budget

THE GOVERNMENT has reluctantly informed the taxpayer that the €450,000 review into the €1.1 billion overspend on the Children’s Hospital, announced only yesterday, is already €2 million over budget. Visibly grimacing as he relayed the news and shaking his head the Taoiseach, who had to fucking leave Davos for this shit, said “obviously mistakes were… Read more »

Nurses Promised Coppers Gold Cards If Strike Averted

MINISTER for Health Simon Harris is today scrambling to avoid upcoming industrial action by the Nation’s 40,000-strong nursing staff, by offering the striking workforce a much-sought-after Coppers Gold Card each. The Gold Cards, which allow the bearer free entry into the 5-Star Copperface Jacks nightclub on Harcourt, are extremely rare and it is hoped that the… Read more »

Diets Can Only Be Started On Mondays, Study Proves ​

A WORLDWIDE study into diets and exercise routines has finally proven that starting any type of new regime on any day other than a Monday results in total and utter failure. The astounding revelation, which was discovered after a 5 year study into health fads, pointed to the start of the week as the only successful day to… Read more »