Got An Unwanted Invite? Have You Tried Antigen Tests?


DESPITE the high number of Covid cases being reported throughout the country, many people are still being plagued by invites to zero craic social occasions so unappealing and wrought with awkward silences that it would be more pleasurable to take a cheese grater to your nipple than to attend.

Are you at your wits end after being invited to something by an interminably dull former coworker, friend or relation? Well WWN has the perfect socialising obliterating solution; antigen tests.

Where lying about having Covid created unforeseen problems; having to explain how you got a booster directly after etc, a positive antigen test has none of the messy complication that trip you up and reveal that you just couldn’t be arsed hanging out.

“Ah shite, looks like I’ve joined the pos-antigen club. Will have to cancel tonight, obvz devo. We must rearrange, it’s so hard when we’re all so busy” – a text like this could buy you a year of delays in actually having to see the person/persons you’re avoiding in the flesh.

Don’t stop there, an antigen test can get you off the hook from seeing the inside of a gym in January or for the entirety of 2022.

Antigens have really revolutionised how people get out of things. Gone are the desperate pleas for Covid-positive people to cough into your mouth, or carefully crafting months of anti-vaxx social media statuses just so people cut you out of their lives entirely.

How do you get a positive antigen test? There’s many ways:

Just buy that one brand that delivers false positives. Imagine, a company charged with producing a working test? And they can’t do it, talk about luck being on your side.

Draw a red line across an unused test.

Fish one out of the bins outside of literally any house in Ireland at this current time.

Google ‘positive antigen test pictures’ and steal a photo.

Alternatively just state ‘sorry, threw in bin before you asked for photographic evidence’ to that dose friend who wouldn’t be so annoying to hang out with if they didn’t get all suspicious of you like that.

Rinse, repeat. The method, not the actual antigen test as that probably wouldn’t work.