Nirvana Baby To Be Awarded Cash Settlement If He Can Swim Fast Enough For It


FORMER naked baby Spencer Elden is to be awarded the $150,000 he is suing for, providing he can swim underwater fast enough to collect it one dollar at a time.

The extraordinary ruling comes at the end of an ongoing case where Elden, now 30, was suing the remaining members and associated partners of the grunge group Nirvana for what he claims were unpaid royalties from his appearance with his little baby dick out on the cover of their iconic 1991 ‘Nevermind’ album.

Claiming as well that the image amounted to child pornograpy, Elden faced an uphill battle in the courts as both the judge and members of the jury all seemed to be humming ‘Lithium’ throughout the proceedings, but in the end was granted a cash payout if he was willing to dip for it.

“This smells like teen bullshit to me” mused the judge as he perused the specifics of the case, including several images of Mr. Elden recreating the famous shot many times over the years for cash.

“But okay, I’ll give him a chance to get a few bucks out of it. So we’re going to dump 150,000 dollar bills in a swimming pool and give him one clear playthrough of the Nevermind album to gather as much as he can. And let this be a warning to any parents that think it’s okay to take 200 bucks from a grunge band to feature their naked child on an album cover. Think that shit through next time!”

Meanwhile the remaining members of Nirvana have stated that for the subject of an album cover that depicted man’s battle with capitalism to turn around and make a cash grab 30 years later is more of a work of art than they could ever produce themselves.