Taoiseach Expected To Announce End Of Restrictions With Double Airhorn Blasts

THE initial draft of the Taoiseach’s address to the nation surrounding the easing of Covid restrictions begins with the words ‘oh shit it’s about to go down’, according to a document leaked to the press today.

Micheál Martin is expected to appear during the Six-One news today following the go-ahead from NPHET to re-open the nation’s hospitality sector, in an address that may involve airhorns, confetti cannons and those big colourful inflatable wavey-hand guys.

“We’ve had Maniac 2000 DJ Mark McCabe in Leinster House today, giving the Taoiseach a few pointers on how to work a crowd before dropping the big one” a Dáil insider told WWN today.

“This is Martin’s first opportunity as Taoiseach to deliver good news, and he wants to really make a big deal about it. Particularly as it’s such an important thing for young voters, a group that Fianna Fáil has sorely been missing in recent polls. So it’s not just going to be a standard, po-faced address to the nation. We’re talking Big Mickey heading out there, blasting airhorns, giving it all that, kicking off a weekender bender like this nation hasn’t seen in years. Trust me, you don’t want to miss the Six-One tonight, baby”.

Our source went on to add that the Taoiseach had his scriptwriters working throughout the night to add in as many barbed shots at Sinn Féin along the way, just to really make the most of his air time.