Fears Grow For Man On Dry January As 8pm Closing Time To Be Scrapped


ABSTAINING for exactly three weeks now, local man Karl Rogers fears the government’s announcement on restrictions later this afternoon may jeopardise the last remaining ten days of his proposed Dry January, WWN has learned.

“I’m contemplating a full media blackout and turning off my phone until Jan is over,” Rogers told WWN, speaking through his slightly ajar front door amid fear someone will invite him out for pints, “this is absolutely the worst fucking timing; I’m so close to the finish line”.

Echoing hundreds of thousands of sober people across the Nation, Rogers urged the government to slowly move away from the 8pm closing time, suggesting a February 1st lifting.

“It will be carnage,” Rogers predicted, now turning off the notifications on his phone, “balls, they’re already at it; there’s Jamie and the lads in WhatsApp already organising a post-pandemic session and a face mask bonfire in a local pub, fuck, fuck, fuck… that sounds epic in fairness,” he added, before calling on the Taoiseach to rethink his address later, “for Christ’s sakes, Micháel of all people, you brought in the smoking ban, raised the price of drink, decimated an entire hospitality sector with your underlying hatred for craic, don’t bow to pressure mate”.

Meanwhile The Vintners Association of Ireland has called on every Irish citizen to drink at least 80 pints a week to help the bar and nightclub industry bounce back.