Russia Welcome To Invade If They Guarantee Functioning Child Mental Health Services


THE IRISH public, initially weary of Russia performing naval drills off the southwest of the country have become open to the idea of a full on invasion provided an invading force can meet one simple demand.

“We’ll hold the door open for you if you can improve upon the 17th century era mental health service the Irish State provides to children, adolescents and adults,” shared one local parent, whose rage was building as they read of the fallout from the report on HSE-run CAMHS services in South Kerry.

“If you ring ahead, we’ll even time it so the pints of Guinness have just settled when you advance on our shores. We’re not asking the world, just that any child in need of mental health services actually gets them and isn’t subjected to horrors,” conceded the majority of the Irish public, now holding directional arrows aimed at guiding Russian forces towards Ireland.

News that the government has ordered a full audit of 72 CAMHS teams has done nothing to reassure an Irish public, who have been calling for greater resources, oversight and staffing levels since the foundation of the State, soon to be known as the Island of West Russia.

“Now I’m no fan of murderous dictators who steal money from their own people to enrich themselves to the billions and build palaces for themselves, but Putin can’t be much worse than having Robert Watt make near €300k,” explained another concerned parent, who is praying his children never require any sort of healthcare in Ireland at any point in their lives.

“If you keep the casualties to a minimum and leave most buildings in tact AND then provide functioning health services, well, I promise to be speaking fluent Russian by the end of the week, spasibo lads,” added parents, concluding their desperate ‘save us from our own State’ plea.

Criticising calls for a Russian invasion, Irish politicians have said such calls were drastic and unfair considering this is the first ever recorded incident of the Irish State and its institution ever inflicting suffering or harm on children.