Shit Driver Buys Biggest Car Possible
DESPITE barely scraping through his driving test on his fourth attempt, south Dublin man Kieran Mahon-Wince has defended his decision to drive the biggest, most cumbersome SUV available to humankind to help him navigate the rugged streets of Terenure.
“I appreciate that in a head-on collision the higher frame, bulkier chassis and overall mass of my Damora Mountaineer will basically decapitate any occupants of a smaller car, but y’know, I promise not to do that,” explained Mr. Mahon-Wince, while reversing into a parked car despite having more onboard collision prevention systems than the space shuttle.
“Fuck, did I clip that little car? Phew, it’s okay, it’s only a 141 reg. My car is worth five times that little yoke, so I don’t really feel that bad. If anything I should sue them for scratching my paintwork, do they know how much this car cost me?”
Mahon-Wince went on to state that a top-of-the-line SUV equipped to tackle the off-road hills around the base of Kilimanjaro is ‘more than necessary’ to travel the mean streets of Dublin, adding that he doesn’t mind the pitifully low mileage he gets due to low-gear city driving as he makes very good money and doesn’t mind spending it.
“If I could change one thing though, I’d make these damn parking spaces a bit bigger. I always have to use two, or one of those sweet big disabled parking spaces if I see one,” said Mahon-Wince over Zoom as he drove around with his phone in his hand.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pick my kids up from the childminder four minutes away, talk to you soon, ah shite where did that parked car come out of? These people around here are animals, honest to God”.