Smiling At Old People So They Don’t Think You’re About To Rob Them, A Guide


PUNY OLD people walking along the street always look scared and vulnerable, glancing up with their pathetic faces, attempting to drag a sympathetic look out of you in the hopes you don’t batter them to death and take their wallets, which is why WWN has put together this handy guide on smiling at old people.

Practice, practice, practice.

First, remember that not all smiles are reassuring. Some smiles can reveal your true nature and terrify old people. Over smiling in a maniacal fashion is a no no, so practicing your fake smile in the mirror is good practice. It’s all in the eyes; don’t look to intensely, relax your brows, unclench your fists, stop snarling and frothing at the mouth. Anything longer than 3 seconds is too long; a glance will be enough to put them at ease, along with one of a selection of greetings.


“Grand day” or “Miserable day” will suffice in all scenarios. Expanding your greetings beyond this isn’t advised but if you are caught short for something non-weather related to say, then using the good old fashioned “hello” is acceptable. Make sure to pronounce hello fully. Never use “how ya getting on”, or “well, how’s it going” as these terms can get confused with “gimme your fucking money or I’ll beat you to a pulp” – best keep it simple to avoid any unnecessary confusion.


A solitary wave can also be used while passing. Most old people are hard of hearing and will need an additional visual element to cement the greeting. A slight wave with one hand will come across as very passive and safe. The floppier the hand – the better. Taking the effort to do so shows how soft and caring you are, and with the right smile, greeting and wave combo, your passing pensioner will be set.

PLEASE NOTE: This guide will also work for those of you wishing to rob old people.