Like It Fucking Matters

THE race to become the next Prime Minister of Great Britain has been narrowed down to either Rishi Sunak or Liz Truss, for all the fucking difference it makes to the looming recession, Brexit, the environment, widening inequality, the NHS, peace in Northern Ireland or the price of turnips, WWN can report.

While both candidates promise that their approach to leadership will ensure nothing but good times and prosperity for the UK, studies of anything that has happened in the last 6 years show that the new PM will last 2 years at best before being ousted in a cloud of ignominy while austerity bites and the super rich get even superer-richerer.

As such, world leaders have been flooding Downing Street with messages urging the government to ‘just pick one’, adding that choosing between Truss and Sunak is ‘like choosing which testicle we’d rather get kicked in’.

“Flip a coin, we don’t care. Neither one gives a shit about the Good Friday Agreement so let’s just get this over and done with,” read a terse email from the Irish government.

“You know, I never disliked bananas but I always preferred cucumber, although you can’t substitute one for the other in recipes and such things,” said US President Joe Biden, perhaps not understanding the question.

Meanwhile, GB News has assured both candidates that whatever happens, there’ll always be a position for them at the station when they leave politics.