Meet The Irish Crypto Bro Making Fuck All Every Month


WITH the rise of cryptocurrencies generating a nauseating number of young men who are under the impression that they’re the next Wolf of Wall Street, we chat with Ireland’s crypto bros about the latest phenomenon to hit the financial get rich quick schemes.

“Classic pump and dump, man,” began Tommy Roche, a local self-confessed crypto bro sitting at a multiscreen computer depicting impressive looking graphs and alternating numbers like a professional stockbroker would have, “I failed the Leaving Cert, but you don’t need to be a genius to get in on this craic, man”.

Starting from humble beginnings last year with just €1,000, Roche detailed how a friend taught him ‘the trade’ and how he built an empire of from his kitchen table in just a matter of months.

“Classic pump and dump man – it’s that simple,” Roche added, with all the air of a Dublin taxi driver trying to explain quantum entanglement to a paraplegic slug, “man, I’ll teach ya, seriously, when you see how it’s done, you’ll be hooked on killing it every day while all the other eejits go to work in the rat race – for real, man”.

Showing this reporter onscreen figures reaching into the tens of thousands, the full-time son-of-two admitted to not really knowing what many of them actually mean.

“Classic pump and dump here man, see?” he pointed to a green figure ‘34,567.09’ followed by a plus sign, “that was just from today,” he insisted, before revealing the number wasn’t technically money, “all I know is green is good, red is bad,” he added, before checking the screen again, “no, yeah… green is good – that’s what my crypto mates said, the people I never met before who got me in on this who I now insist on calling friends,” Roche revealed, seemingly unaware of the pyramid Ponzi scheme he was now part of and the unimaginable time he has wasted watching numbers fluctuate on a screen in the hopes he was making money.

Asked how much he earned since investing into the computer program, high end multi-screen computer and whether he’d just cash out, he replied: “nah don’t be stupid, man, as the lads said, we’re in this for the long haul, crypto is where it’s at, bro, you don’t wanna be cashing out now and then Dodge hitting 500 big ones come ’23 ,” before concluding, “Trust me, man, I’ve done my research on YouTube – it’s totally legit. If interested gimme a shout with five of your mates and we’ll get you all set up – we’ll all clean up”.