Ukraine Invades Russia In Unprecedented Move
SENIOR Russian military aides issued a collective ‘holy shit’ this morning, after several thousand Ukrainian ground troops suddenly charged over the border into Russia, catching Putin’s army completely by surprise.
In what is being described as ‘a classic example of the old switcheroo’, Ukraine ended months of tensions along the border and allayed fears of a Russian invasion into their territory by simply saying ‘fuck it’ and launching a swift and deadly counter-invasion that nobody, not even the most war-hungry media mogul, could have predicted.
Putin’s army were forced to admit that they had been carrying toy guns this whole time, with many breaking down in tears and spilling their guts about how they had ‘just been messing’ and that they had just been under orders to ‘put the shits up Ukraine for a few weeks’, as world leaders struggled to make it seem like the unfolding events were part of their big plan all along.
“Yes we, eh, we have successfully aided the Ukrainian government with whatever it is they’re doing right now,” said the German Chancellor, not Merkel, the new lad.
Meanwhile, the media went into a full-on meltdown as the rash actions of the Ukrainian army sent a month’s worth of carefully-planned headlines down the toilet.
“We had dozens of ‘knife-edge tensions’ stories ready to go, and now we’re back to square one. Who knows what the fuck is happening now!?” lamented the boss of one 24-hour news channel we spoke to.