American Football ‘Too Stoppy-Starty’ For Local Man


THE Super Bowl has given millions of American Football fans around the world the opportunity to kick back and enjoy their favourite sport at its best, but it’s also given Waterford man Ian Mellington the opportunity to list out all the reasons he believes it’s ‘not a real sport at all at all’.

“I can’t abide the way they stop and start every five minutes, play the fucking game or don’t,” stated Mellington in his annual rant about the sport, at the same time as last year, regular as clockwork.

“The whole game would take about a half an hour if they just played it, instead of breaking for ads all the time. That’s all it is, a pure money racket,” he continued, in a word-for-word re-enactment of the same rant he breaks out whenever anyone mentions American football.

Mellington’s other grievances against the NFL include the amount of padding the supposedly ‘hard men’ of the sport have to wear, as well as the general pomp and ceremony of the bigger events such as the Superbowl. However, one sports specialist has drilled down on the Waterford man’s complaints and concluded that Mellington might simply be ‘a fucking dose’.

“Personally, I don’t care for the TV show Two & A Half Men for example. But you will rarely, if ever, hear me bring it up,” said one of Waterford General’s most prominent Prickologists.

“But Mr. Mellington seeks out opportunities to grouse about things. Why, I’d also wager that he believes the Eurovision is a load of shite, and there’s not an Electric Picnic line-up that gets announced without him stepping into the conversation to state how he’s ‘never heard of anyone’ on it. A dose, is what he is. A Bollox. Avoid him”.

Meanwhile, Mellingon has broken into the ‘these lads wouldn’t last a minute playing hurling’ portion of his yearly rant, expected to last for at least an hour.