So You Drunkenly Sent Your Ex A Valentine’s Text Last Night; Here’s What Happens Next

THE NIGHTMARE scenario you absolutely knew you’d end up in but somehow were unable to avoid, due to your flair for self sabotage and cringe inducing horror. Congratulations! You should now be at Level 5 panic stations and have roped in dozens of friends for advice.

They can’t help you now, they can only marvel at your ‘they’ve only gone and done it again’ ways. WWN’s resident Relationship Advice columnist Anne Trope is the only person who can help you. Here’s the essential advice:

Check your passport is in date

It is? Brilliant.

Look up flights

Don’t pick an obvious destination like England, Australia , Canada or the US. Think secluded Tibetan monastry that has no access to the internet and has shunned all technology.

New identity

Talk to our man Ron. Wear a green hat to the secret rendezvous point and use the hand signal I gave you. Once you’ve got a new identity immediately change it again several times. Leave no trace.

Send Tim Cook, Apple CEO, a private DM begging him to tell you how to unsend multiple texts and voicemails to someone who has already read and listened to them

And if he had any mind erasing technology he’s working on, now would be the time to share it.

When ‘I was hacked’ won’t cut it

It’s such a common and pathetic excuse, you need to take it to the next level for it to seem plausible. Get yourself kidnapped. We’ll leave who does the kidnapping to you. MS13, Boko Haram, Taliban, whatever you feels suits you best.

‘Sorry who is this?’

Just ‘who is this’ your way out of it. When your ex directly calls you out and says ‘stop being weird and pretending it’s not you, this is the sort of reason why we’re not together anymore’ just quadruple down on the denials.

Find a plastic surgeon

It can’t be you if you don’t look like you anymore. And when your ex face times you to confront you over your denials, boy will they feel silly.

DM Elon Musk and ask when the first manned space craft to Mars is leaving and does he need a guinea pig

Sometimes the cloud covered hilltops of Tibet just isn’t far enough away to escape the blast zone of your fuck ups.