Biden Finally Follows Through On Election Promise Of Stealing $3.5bn From Afghan People


US VOTERS across the divide are celebrating after president Joe Biden finally followed through on the very first of his many unfulfilled election promises.

“I would have settled for cancelling student debt but I guess this will have to do,” offered one American after learning that Biden had sanctioned taking $3.5bn (not his to take) worth of Afghan assets to pay 9/11 (carried out by Saudi nationals) victims families.

“I remember every rally I went to, it was nonstop ‘I’ll steal the assets of another country’ – this was his big vision so I’m glad he got this win. And on the plus side stealing money belonging to the Afghan people as they struggle with the onset of famine while under Taliban rule is a really good PR win too,” added another voter.

“He did say he’d be a unifying influence and I had my doubts, but now I see all the condemnation the US is receiving for what I imagine is the breaking of international law this, I can’t deny his unifying force,” said one person who didn’t vote for the Democrat.

When confronted with other unrealised campaign promises including background checks on guns, decriminalisinging marijuana, end for-profit prisons, guaranteed paid sick leave and strengthening voting rights, Biden struck a combative tone.

“I’ve been spending the last week basically saying Russia will invade Ukraine any minute now, in fact here is how they will do it and how I’m powerless to intervene, what more do you people want?” Biden said before unfurling a victorious ‘Emissions Complicated’ banner to celebrate failing to ban fracking on federal lands.