Calls For Designated ‘Coke Only’ Cubicles To Curb Pub Toilet Queues

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BAR AND NIGHTCLUB patrons across the country have called on establishments to allocate new designated cocaine cubicles in a bid to curb large queues of men and women in pub toilets, WWN has learned.

The proposal comes after an influx of snow hoofing young people have flocked to Ireland’s venues in some kind of post-pandemic cocaine epidemic, jamming up toilet cubicles and leaving punters waiting up to 40 minutes, just to use the jacks.

“None of these people are actually using the toilet to, you know, go to the toilet,” one customer queuing for the toilets of a local pub stated, now holding their guts in a bid to not shit themselves as the saucer-eyed queue buzzed with incoherent conversations, “don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging here, but for fuck sakes lads, at least let someone drop the kids off if they’re about to be caught short”.

Publicans have in turn called on the government to implement a new grant to upgrade their facilities to help keep up with a modern age of open drug taking pub goers.

“We would also suggest a skinning up cubicle too for the stoners and puke bin for the 20-year-olds who are only still getting used to drinking in a social setting after being locked down for two years after turning 18 when the pandemic hit,” local bar owner Thomas Breen proposed, “most of these kids usually spend their nights out looping back in and out of the toilets anyway, delaying actual customers from buying pints and thus hurting business, so lets give them a little place to rot themselves with so we can all get on with it”.

In response, coke users have also called on bar staff to make regular wipe downs of the cistern to avoid cross contaminating their snortable powders, and if bars could install paper straw dispensers in each jacks too, that would be great as saving the environment is very important these days.

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