“I’m Going To Buy A New Notepad, Pen”: Gardaí Tell Us What They’ll Spend 1% Wage Hike On


SECURING a 1% pay increase in the remainder of this year with a further 2% to come in 2022, delighted gardaí from across the country have shared what they’ll spend the mammoth windfall/bonanza/Euromillions lotto win increase on with WWN.

As with all well publicised modest pay increases in Ireland, the increase has been met with a handful of ‘fair plays’ and over 5 billion expressions of violent jealousy and begrudgery. Here’s where those euros are going to be spent:

A new notepad and pen, to be shared station to station as outlined in a carefully drawn up rota.

Go faster stripes for banjaxed patrol cars that would fail the NCT.

Extra coleslaw in chicken fillet rolls.

Bargain bin copies of The Guard on DVD.

Pooling their pay increases together gardaí will pay for one new guard whose only responsibility is to find your stolen bike.

If there’s any money left over they will hire whoever is making all those scam calls and retrain them to respond to unanswered 999 calls.

A deposit on a functional stab vest.

Pay into a new garda lotto in which the winning ticket holder gets to appear on Crime Call.

Gardaí will also be offered one free elbow pad for the elbow of their choice, depending on which one they lean on the most.

Also included in the pay package is a range of new venues in which gardaí can flash their badge and stroll into including museums, the zoo, Shannon cruises, and soft play centres.

On top of the hikes, gardaí can now get time-and-a-half for helping out with evictions or picket-breaking, with bonus payments for every head they crack along the way.