Leaving Cert Points Test Positive For Steroids

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THE DEPARTMENT of Education is to launch an internal investigation after this year’s Leaving Cert results tested positive for steroids.

The news comes after the number of students receiving 625 doubled with experts suggesting LC results were more jacked up than the love child of The Rock and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“LC results have all the hallmarks of steroid abuse; changes in mood, weight gain, increased growth of body hair and blurred vision,” shared one medical expert.

It is believed the investigation into the roided results will run parallel alongside a number of other regretful Dept. of Ed choices which saw some examiners adding zeroes onto the end of points totals of students ‘for the craic’.

“We also regret the ‘mark yourselves’ trial which allowed some students to mark their own papers, this led to some students getting a ‘H1 squared times 50’ in Maths,” shared Minister for Education Norma Foley, who admitted to being slightly distracted by the 12,000 schools pupils currently self-isolating due to being close contacts to positive Covid cases.

Concern has been expressed for a number of courses whose CAO points rose dramatically as Economics and Finance in UCD was last seen floating high up out of the Earth’s atmosphere in a hot air balloon, elsewhere, basket weaving and jam making hit the 600 points milestone.

Asked for their opinion on the sharp rise in CAO points for courses, third level colleges said “we don’t care as long as we can milk students for cash”.

Experts have confirmed that the way Leaving Cert points are awarded is officially serious and in need of immediate addressing now that affluent children are starting to be affected.

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