Martin Admits He Would Sack Coveney If He Was Taoiseach

“OH LET me tell you, if I was Taoiseach he’d have my shoe imprinted on his arse from kicking him to the kerb,” Micheál Martin told Fianna Fáil colleagues, highlighting the swift and decisive action he would take were he Taoiseach over Simon Coveney’s tall tales and Goliath-sized arrogance over Katherine Zappone’s appointment as Special Envoy.

“And I’d definitely have the authority to do it, because I wouldn’t be locked into a self-destructive ménage à trois in which I hold no real power, no way Jose,” continued Martin, sounding like he’d be the sort of Taoiseach who could restore the public’s confidence in standards in public office, if only he were given the chance.

Martin’s Fianna Fáil colleagues nodded along in agreement before exchanging glances behind his back which suggested they thought he made less sense than a Fine Gael minister evidence before an Oireachtas committee.

“That’s what this country needs; a leader who won’t compromise just to stay in power and prop up a shambling wreck of a government, someone who knows right from wrong. Lads, would you support me I went for it?” offered Martin.

Recruiting firms later confirmed to WWN that no such person has existed on the island of Ireland in the last several hundred years and that they’d recommend hiring outside Ireland or lowering standards significantly.

Elsewhere, a deranged looking Fine Gael party stared unblinking at Fianna Fáil and screamed “We’re not stuck in here with you, you’re stuck in here with us”.