Signs You’re Overdue A Ride


MANY people are long overdue the ride, and it’s important to monitor when you approach peak ‘I’d ride anything with a pulse’ status as the nation slowly but surely gets back to socialising. Beware of the telltale signs:

Your friends have gone from trying to set you up with their friends to just buying you lubricant, tissues and sex toys.

You’ve developed a lustful crush on the bananas in the fruit bowl.

Statues of Jesus on the cross turn you on.

You’ve asked to be put on the side of the Trocaire box in a ‘looking for a ride’ charity appeal.

If your love life was a movie it’d be called Home Alone.

You’ve reached the end of Pornhub.

Celibate eunuchs are beginning to feel sorry for you.

You bake bread as a hobby now.

The gentle hum of the car engine is enough to set you off these days.

You’re relocated to another parish.

You reckon Mr Tayto with a bit of lipstick on him would do the trick.

You start seeing a lot of online adverts for golfing equipment.