Christmas Shopping In A Pandemic, A Guide


THE CHRISTMAS shop rush on the high street and in towns will be a little different this year and WWN is on hand to deliver an essential guide to getting the Christmas shopping done in a pandemic:

Train with deep sea divers on how to hold your breath for long periods of time before taking to the busy streets, climbing up sign/lamp posts to periodically come up for air.

Grease yourself up head to toe in hand sanitiser.

Avoid the large crowd of media reporters there to report on large crowds, and sidestep the crowd of people who came in just to film people shopping on their phones.

Carry a ghettoblaster and play some Ed Sheeran to keep fellow shoppers at a distance, ensuring you have a lovely deserted path in front of you at all times.

With many retailers vowing to operate 25 hours a day, 8 days a week why not make use of off peak trading hours of 3.21am-3.24am on a Tuesday night.

When wrestling another stressed out shopper for the last PS5 you must sanitise your hands after every individual punch.

Crawling on all fours is also recommended to avoid head high airborne viruses.

In zero change to how you conduct your shopping buskers are to be given the death stare and homeless people remain ignored.

Subsequent to Christmas shopping you must wear a mask while wearing any gift you receive such as a jumper. This must continue whenever you were the particular item, for the rest of your life.

Remember in the interest of insuring people can safely shop in a manner they’re comfortable with all hatchbacks and 4×4 jeeps are now allowed to drive into stores themselves, so please be mindful of that fact.

It is now legal to aggressively shoulder any coughers off the street and into the nearest alleyway or bin.

If you’re a woman over 60 or a teenage boy, none of this advice applies as you have already killed off all presence of the virus with your excessive use of perfume and Lynx.

Despite all warnings Dads of a certain age will still leave all their shopping until the last minute on Christmas Eve.