AUTHORITIES are scrambling to keep the island of Ireland above sea level amidst a huge weight gain arising from snacking, dining and munching sessions in recent days. “We’ve commandeered a load of swimming pool inflatables and strapped them to the bottom of Ireland, but she’s already sinking again and rapidly,” explained a rescue worker desperately… Read more »
THE O’RIORDAN family are now the talk of the locality after it emerged the clan of raving oddballs have their Christmas dinner at the frankly insane time of 7pm. “They were always ‘odd’ if you know what I mean,” confirmed neighbour Tracey Whelan when speaking with WWN. A community wide test alert with nothing but… Read more »
SETTLING in with his family to watch Christmas classic ‘Home Alone’ with his family, one Irish father took it as an opportunity to list all the ways he would get the better of Kevin McAllister and brutally murder him, WWN can report. “See your man here is putting his hand on the red hot door… Read more »
“SORRY, who?” remarked local man Alan Nealon in disbelief after discovering his friend, Martin Tracy, a man he has known for upwards of 15 years, is not the man he thought he was. “Oh, I was just saying Santy will have to wear a mask this year and that, haha,” Tracy, a grown man confirmed…. Read more »
ELF and safety experts have reported that possible industrial action is brewing in the North Pole at the world’s largest toy manufacturing plant as its owner faces accusations of a litany of Covid-19 safety failures. No social distancing, no sick pay and a shortage of PPE are among the shocking disclosures made by staff who… Read more »
IN news that looks set to shake the Christmas industry to its very core, long-time Santa sleigh member Blitzen has stepped away from the group effective immediately, citing creative differences and a desire to ‘see what he can do on his own’ as his primary reasons for leaving the prestigious gig. “We would like to… Read more »
AS the big day looms ever closer, Waterford man Shea Canning is beginning to get nervous about whether or not his wife Caroline will appreciate everything he went through to get her the perfect Christmas presents, from following the links that she sent him in October, to taking them in from the delivery driver all… Read more »
ACCORDING to the latest research from the ESRI Ireland’s employment rate has been greatly helped this year by the absence of Christmas parties on account of the Coronavirus pandemic, leading to a record number of creeps, eejits, arseholes and doses keeping their jobs. “With barely anyone working in an office or staging office parties to… Read more »
AFTER one million people signed an online petition and dozens of radio stations initiated a boycott of the song, Mariah Carey’s Christmas anthem ‘All I Want For Christmas’ will no longer be played on the airwaves due to its problematic lyrical content. “Someone is willing to give up all the presents underneath the Christmas just… Read more »
THE CHRISTMAS shop rush on the high street and in towns will be a little different this year and WWN is on hand to deliver an essential guide to getting the Christmas shopping done in a pandemic: Train with deep sea divers on how to hold your breath for long periods of time before taking… Read more »