Working Out Which Christmas Dinner Guest Gets The Shitty Folding Chair From The Garden: A Guide

THE big day is almost upon you, and you’ve learned absolutely nothing since last Christmas when it comes to seating more people at a table than you’ve actually got chairs for.

With X amount of people arriving and only Y amount of chairs available, it’s time to get creative:

1) Nice people get nice chairs

Your parents, your nicer siblings, maybe a grandparent that always gave you money; these are people who can sit on actual, real kitchen chairs. They’ve earned them. Any family member that has given you shit in the last 12 months? Any family member with ‘iffy’ political views or opinions on what is or isn’t ‘ruining the country’? Not so lucky.

2) Emergency, secondary seating

The chair from a dressing table. A rolling office chair. The bean bag thing the kids sit on when playing Xbox. All these various seats can come into play for other, sundry guests like neighbours or Aunts or whatever. Mildly damp fold-up garden chairs can also be utilised for dose relatives and straight-up gatecrashers.

3) The kids can eat in the other room.

Kids don’t want to be at the ‘big table’ for a meal, they want to be beside the TV with their cousins. So indulge them today! It works out spectacularly well because you didn’t have any room at the big table anyway, and this gives you the opportunity to gossip with your family about which of the kids’ teachers has a drinking problem.

4) You stand.

Good news! You don’t need a chair, you’ll be running around getting gravy and salt and fresh drinks and the like. In fact, you haven’t sat down at a Christmas dinner in five years. No chair required!