AMERICANS may have had a tough time with Covid-19 but they are are now facing their toughest challenge yet; keeping president Donald Trump safe and well as he battles the illness that has killed, in his eyes, 208,000 lesser men and women.
Trump is currently undergoing treatment in Walter Reed Hospital, and sources close to WWN have revealed the treatment medical professionals are giving the US president:
While not condoning the practice, doctors confirmed Trump has been charging campaign donors $250,000 each to be personally infected by the president.
A saline drip of Diet Coke and KFC has been used several times for no medical reasoning whatsoever.
Doctors confirmed Trump is being treated with the drug Dexamethasone to battle Covid-19, side affects of which include aggression, agitation, trouble thinking or speaking and weight gain. However, doctors deny he has been on the medication since birth.
An oxygen tank filled by Rudy Giuliani has been fixed to the president’s rear end in to order to ensure he doesn’t miss out on any ass kissing while he is in isolation.
As an added feature, the entire Walter Reed building is on a turntable that can spin in whatever direction Trump wants it to, all controlled by a little red joystick beside his bed. This allows the President to hear a loyal crowd chant his name from outside the window and is easier on the lungs than getting in and out of a car. Fresh crowds are bussed in on the hour in order to keep the president ‘upbeat’.
Also housed at the hospital are the 200-and-counting people who were infected with Covid-19 by Trump after he failed to announce his diagnosis before pressing ahead with several high-profile public appearances, with Trump stating “It’s the least the American taxpayer can do”.
Trump is being bathed hourly, in pure virgin blood.
Doctors confirm that sadly Covid-19 has not resulted in any significant weight loss for the obese New Yorker.
The president is expected to make a full recovery soon, and may only get the chance to squeeze in a few dozen more public appearances before his self-isolation ends.